Disheartened

Disheartened: Verb - To cause (someone) to lose determination or confidence.

I can go about my daily routine. Make the coffee. Do the dishes. Procrastinate the laundry. I can even integrate new routines. Working out. Cooking more. Reading more. I have the time to balance both. Finances are well. Responsibilities taken care of. A trip to Vegas to blow off some steam is in the near future. My question is Why. Why am I disheartened. I have time for myself, for others - everything I wish to accomplish is getting done. I am writing again, well, trying to. However, I still have this hole, an emptiness.

I have great friends, a wonderful family -but we all keep to ourselves until the holidays and birthdays roll around. I even enjoy my boss and co-workers. Perhaps I'm bored.

Nah, I know what it is. I'm slightly embarrassed to point the finger at such a thing. I'm alone. I've been dating since I was 15. Always in a relationship, always an interest. And now, 25 years young - finally having a break to myself. My last serious relationship was 6 months ago. And sad to say - I think I stuck that one out only a year, because I had to prove to something to myself. Attempt to prove that I didn't just want him, because I was in a rough spot when we met. And once I was through my rough patch - I lost interest. I didn't want to admit it to him or myself. I still think of him and every time I do, I send some light and love his way. But I needed him until I could move to my next step. My step to myself.

My interest in love and relationship has plateaued. Maybe even decreased. Any man I find excitement or invested interest in (on my part) is always taken, about to be taken or simply not into me. I have my 2 cats. Of course I have 2 cats. I'm 25, live alone and single.

Back to my original thought of disheartened. I have flourished in my time of being single. I have started to chip away at my to do list in life. I have found it is not difficult to do what you want to do. It is the people and relationships in your life that distract from your to-dos. However, I find myself yearning for the distraction. Life is nice when you have it all to yourself - but it is disheartening. At least, for me, for now. You can do whatever you want, cook what you want, sleep in, hog the bed, leave the bathroom door open, travel wherever, work whenever, and go out whenever you want. Sounds pretty awesome, I know. I still feel like I don't have any life breathed into it. Into my routine. There is no color. I'm living this life, but I don't feel as if I am a part of it. I don't see myself in anything I am doing. I see my body going through the motions. I see myself from the outside, looking in.

Am I one of those people that needs to be with someone to validate their existence? I try to think I am not like that, but perhaps I am that caddy. I already feel as if my existence is validated. I have already proved to myself I can accomplish whatever I want to do. I have taught myself to not be trapped in dead ends. I have learned to innovate myself - to continually grow and improve. To keep the mind open and wise.

I want to meet someone that awes me. That my heart will jump in my chest whenever he enters a room. Where my heart will flutter just saying his name or thinking about his day. Someone I love for exactly as they are. Someone I want to make happy, that will let me make him happy. To not settle for dull and boring. But to keep challenging one another together and individually. To conquer this life on earth. To build a house of love and warmth with friends and family. A home. And I don't just mean 4 walls and a roof. I mean where you feel home in every fiber of your being whether you are with them or not. A home that lives in yourself. I want that with someone. I want to find and build my home. I'm ready.

My Weekend with Coffee

Needless to say, the themes of my weekend have revolved around coffee incidents. All things I needed to approach or deal with in my life involved coffee.

Allow me to deconstruct. 3 instances to be exact.

Instance #1: No! Just, No!

There is a boy, let's call him Ken. This boy and I have an interesting "friendship". We both started to get involved with one another while he was seeing a girl. I figured dating is dating and it is not exclusive, right? What is the harm in having fun, keeping it casual and figuring out the mess later? Well, much to his dismay - he could not hide the relationship that they got involved into from me. Facebook is good for some things. They are still in their respected relationship. He still contacts me, he would cheat on her, yes and he reaches out to me when there is a void of his for attention. I like it when he says things such as "You are one of my best friends" and "I really care about you". I let myself believe these things, because it is a silly girl's attempt at trying to believe in something that doesn't exist. During the day this past Saturday, I allowed myself to engage in a texting conversation with this man (technology has severely sabotaged and confused dating and relationships). The conversation went further than appropriate. I was sitting on my couch about to drink coffee, watch mindless movies and write some nonsense. I should not have been having this conversation with Ken. However, I was intrigued. Guess I wanted some attention as well. For some reason, I believed that a full cup of coffee placed on the couch cushion next to me would behave for a moment. Yeah, not so much. Not a moment later, it leaned its hot contents onto the left side of my lower body. Scalding burn. Awesome. Perhaps I should have taken that as a hint to cease everything I was doing. Nope, I saw it as an opportunity for Ken to help me out with it. AND I know this situation. I have been in this situation before, I knew what I was getting myself into. When men come over it is never to JUST watch a movie or have a drink (But let me give props to the REAL gentlemen that bring soup to sick girls). I wanted Ken too, that was the truth. Didn't feel guilty - felt justified. It is not right, I know. It just is. We had our special time and then it was back to work and a dinner I had to attend. Plain and simple. It was just wrong. Bad, bad decision. My coffee was trying to tell me something. No, Just no.

Instance #2: Just Laugh

As a bartender, I have some insanely awesome service industry regulars. Regulars that make me feel awesome as a person and for the job that we all do. We are there to serve people and at the end of the day we serve one another as friends over drinks, stories and laughter. These moments are the moments that get me through the week. These boys really took me by surprise last night. They essentially convinced my co-worker to let me leave with them and for him to close up alone. However they did it - they are geniuses. These boys kidnapped me to go I-Hop for some breakfast. We had our breakfast and our coffee. Laughing over everything and nothing all at once. I forgot how great it feels to laugh at nothing. A simple, simple joy in life that we take for granted. My coffee was hugging me in this moment. We laughed in waves. Over and over, one laugh crashing on top of the other.

Instance #3: Okay, I Get It

Finally peeling myself away from my bed this morning -- I made coffee. I spent more time than I'd like to admit with headphones in my ears, listening to music, zoning out and contemplating Ken, last nights laughter, my upcoming birthday, how cute my cats look cuddling and even more ridiculous nonsense. I fill my cup. Sit on my couch with my legs crossed. Set the coffee on the ground, not on the couch (I should really invest in a coffee table) and my laptop by my side. I am prepared to write. I uncross my legs to get up for something -- and right now, for the life of me, I cannot recall what I had to get up for. My left heel lands in the coffee mug. Joy. I immediately laugh at myself and then I get it. I shake my head and laugh at myself for all the things I was thinking of in that moment that don't matter. For all the time I was wasting on contemplating Ken. I cleaned up my mess, opened my computer and knew exactly what I had to write about. My weekend with coffee.

Think about it. All the different conversations, thoughts, things said, things not said, stories told....all the moments that occur over coffee. If my coffee cup could tell some stories -- It would probably tell me that I need to find a safe, secure, stable place to put my cup right now. To take care of my cup and in return it won't stain my carpets or burn my skin. Alright cup, here is to better days.

Pursuit of Happiness

You are absolutely right. You do choose similar girls. Note that I am using the term girl. That was my large observation in your book We're Just Not There Yet. The girls you describe are all the same. I can identify with that girl, because I lived and learned from it. Granted, I got a chuckle out of some of the types of behavior I may have exhibited at one time. Now, a few years older, I can look back and identify my foolishness. Hindsight being 20/20 and all. However, the naked photos? Not so much. But I smiled, because I knew exactly what type of females you were talking about. That was an example where judging a book from its cover was appropriate. And what did you expect? You were at a promo event, where girls are hired because of their physical appearance. Of course they know they're hot – they make sure their phones know it too.

You missed out on describing what happens in a relationship with a woman. What about the woman who is self-sufficient, independent, happy, has friends, a good family and morals? Of course she is tied up with some baggage like the rest of us. But she has lived and learned from her choices by overcoming whatever happened. She no longer mentions her ex-boyfriends by their first name and she likes to do her own thing, without you. A woman who is modest and content. One that continues to try new things and have a good time. There would be things to complain about, but silly things - she forgot to put the cap on the toothpaste. You know why people don't like this? Because it is boring and safe. It is comforting. There is no drama flag waving in the air. No caution lights or sirens blaring. Just a simple, available woman.

The girl you describe in the book is gorgeous, but somehow has this bubble or aura of drama surrounding herself. A red flag that guys should pick up on. I know this, because we have the same radar on guys. For example, if a guy comes off too desperate or too reliable on his mother. The drama flag that most are quick to bypass, because their looks are so devastatingly distracting. Any woman that looks so well put together all the time has something to hide. Whatever happened to the sexiness in simplicity? A female that wakes up, puts her hair in a pony tail, no make up, just jeans and a t-shirt and runs out for coffee. AND she isn't overweight. There is something to be said bout the sexiness of someone who is comfortable in their own skin. Whether it be a man or a woman. Nothing is more attractive than a person with confidence and of course – an open minded sense of humor. Nothing kills a party quicker than a close minded opinionated individual. But if they can bypass my incessant question asking – then right on. They are knowledgeable about their bitterness.

I'll grant you the whole getting married thing. Why would people enter into something that only has a 50% shot of making it out of the ball park? What about the notion of not getting married? It always seems to get brought up that the once you get married then boom, bang! – End of the race. I'm a woman that knows I don't wish to get married. For many of the same reasons that were previously mentioned in your book. My parents are still happily married, 35 years strong. My brother is happily married as well. Nothing in my past points towards holding a grudge against marriage. I support it for those who think it is right for themselves. But marriage is not the only journey to seek when dating; Happiness is.

What about the pursuit of happiness? Finding that happy balance of being with someone you want to be with. Someone you genuinely support and they support you as well. To get your happy glands off on just being. Relationships are so concentrated on where is this all going. I don't see the rush in the race. You'll know when you get to the end, because you'll be dead. It's life – it keeps going..or shall I quote Emerson – “It goes on”. There is no finish line – the finish line is your funeral. Might as well make the most of your marathon while you're going. Run into some things, run out of some things, walk off the beaten path, sleep longer than you should, sleep not enough for moments of brilliance, take your sweet time, but know that you are using your time – your genuine, wonderful time doing whatever the hell it is that makes you happy. And if you are fortunate enough – you find someone to be with that makes your time that much sweeter.

I really did appreciate the book. I read it all within the first 24 hours of possessing it. Well written, honest, and witty. I do have to say thanks for writing, for taking the time to compose such thoughts that men have. To having an opinion and articulating it in a whole book and maintaining your thoughts in a blog. That much dedication is far more ambitious and knowledgeable than this cheap, short-lived response. However, your opinion did get me to lift my writer's block for just a brief moment to contemplate your thoughts. It is true that men gossip just as much as women. There is no reason the conversation of the dichotomy between men and women in relationships shouldn't be discussed. Thank you for passing the ball back.