Disheartened

Disheartened: Verb - To cause (someone) to lose determination or confidence.

I can go about my daily routine. Make the coffee. Do the dishes. Procrastinate the laundry. I can even integrate new routines. Working out. Cooking more. Reading more. I have the time to balance both. Finances are well. Responsibilities taken care of. A trip to Vegas to blow off some steam is in the near future. My question is Why. Why am I disheartened. I have time for myself, for others - everything I wish to accomplish is getting done. I am writing again, well, trying to. However, I still have this hole, an emptiness.

I have great friends, a wonderful family -but we all keep to ourselves until the holidays and birthdays roll around. I even enjoy my boss and co-workers. Perhaps I'm bored.

Nah, I know what it is. I'm slightly embarrassed to point the finger at such a thing. I'm alone. I've been dating since I was 15. Always in a relationship, always an interest. And now, 25 years young - finally having a break to myself. My last serious relationship was 6 months ago. And sad to say - I think I stuck that one out only a year, because I had to prove to something to myself. Attempt to prove that I didn't just want him, because I was in a rough spot when we met. And once I was through my rough patch - I lost interest. I didn't want to admit it to him or myself. I still think of him and every time I do, I send some light and love his way. But I needed him until I could move to my next step. My step to myself.

My interest in love and relationship has plateaued. Maybe even decreased. Any man I find excitement or invested interest in (on my part) is always taken, about to be taken or simply not into me. I have my 2 cats. Of course I have 2 cats. I'm 25, live alone and single.

Back to my original thought of disheartened. I have flourished in my time of being single. I have started to chip away at my to do list in life. I have found it is not difficult to do what you want to do. It is the people and relationships in your life that distract from your to-dos. However, I find myself yearning for the distraction. Life is nice when you have it all to yourself - but it is disheartening. At least, for me, for now. You can do whatever you want, cook what you want, sleep in, hog the bed, leave the bathroom door open, travel wherever, work whenever, and go out whenever you want. Sounds pretty awesome, I know. I still feel like I don't have any life breathed into it. Into my routine. There is no color. I'm living this life, but I don't feel as if I am a part of it. I don't see myself in anything I am doing. I see my body going through the motions. I see myself from the outside, looking in.

Am I one of those people that needs to be with someone to validate their existence? I try to think I am not like that, but perhaps I am that caddy. I already feel as if my existence is validated. I have already proved to myself I can accomplish whatever I want to do. I have taught myself to not be trapped in dead ends. I have learned to innovate myself - to continually grow and improve. To keep the mind open and wise.

I want to meet someone that awes me. That my heart will jump in my chest whenever he enters a room. Where my heart will flutter just saying his name or thinking about his day. Someone I love for exactly as they are. Someone I want to make happy, that will let me make him happy. To not settle for dull and boring. But to keep challenging one another together and individually. To conquer this life on earth. To build a house of love and warmth with friends and family. A home. And I don't just mean 4 walls and a roof. I mean where you feel home in every fiber of your being whether you are with them or not. A home that lives in yourself. I want that with someone. I want to find and build my home. I'm ready.